Let It All Out
by CeliaLauna
Summary: Cisco's having a bad day. Well, bad week, really. He's jumpy, his mind doesn't shut up, and he's exhausted, physically and emotionally. He really should start talking to people, and he knows this, yet he doesn't. Good thing that Gypsy and Caitlin are there to make him see reason.


**Summary:** Cisco's having a bad day. Well, bad week, really. He's jumpy, his mind doesn't shut up, and he's exhausted, physically and emotionally. He really should start talking to people, and he knows this, yet he doesn't. Good thing that Gypsy and Caitlin are there to make him see reason.

 **A/N:** So. I've been having it rough lately, and I decided to write through my emotions to feel better. So there's angst, but it ends well. This was written for NaNoWriMo 2017. (I know I should be writing not editing. Shhh.)

Content warning for depression, people. Some rambling thoughts that work him in a downwards spiral, and a bunch of crying, hands trembling, possible indications of an anxiety attack.

Cisco deals well with it in the end. He just needs some nudging towards the right direction. I promise.

 **Disclaimer** : I own nothing.

* * *

Cisco had been staring at the sheet with the calculations on for a while long. He'd lost track of just exactly how long a while ago, he just knew that since the beginning of the day, the equation hadn't made sense and he'd been working on it all morning to figure it out. He'd scribbled on scrap paper, glass boards, did computer simulations, the full works, really, but nothing worked. And now he was just staring at the sheet, re-reading that damned equation over and over again.

He knew he was being ridiculous. Harry hadn't been able to figure it out either. Together they hadn't been able to figure it out, which meant it must be fucking difficult because they make an epic team and usually they figured it out together. But they hadn't. Not this time.

And now the equation was just written out on that piece of paper. Staring right back at Cisco. Mocking him.

He had let his mind wander for a while, trying to suppress his frustrations and calm down. It wasn't that important, that's what Harry had said after two fruitless days, and he had told him to just not bother anymore. He'd figure out the issue another way. It wasn't that important and it wasn't needed for him but for whatever training Harry was setting up for Jesse that wasn't needed for Barry because Barry had bigger problems at the moment so it really, _really_ didn't matter so he should just forget about it already and Cisco didn't understand why he just couldn't let it go.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped out of his seat. He turned and saw Cynthia standing behind him, a worried look on her face. "Damnit Gypsy, don't do that!" he said, placing a hand on his chest. He could feel his heart going crazy.

Cynthia frowned. "You realize I've called your name four times?" She kept her hand on his shoulder, stroking her thumb back and forth.

Cisco blinked twice, staring at her with a blank expression. He willed his heart to stop beating like crazy. He was gonna give himself a stroke before he was thirty if he kept being so jumpy and with all the meta-humans and whatnot. "No?" he said, though it sounded more like a question. "I'm sorry," he added immediately.

Cynthia took the seat next to him and moved her hand to his knee. "Well, I did. Are you okay? You seem rather distracted…"

Cisco sighed, leaning back and pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just can't figure out this equation."

Cynthia took the sheet that Cisco had indicated with his other hand and looked at it. "I'd say I'd help, but I'm sure all I'd do is make it more annoying for you since you'd have to explain everything to me… And I'm sure on my Earth we use different symbols as well, since I've never seen some of these and, well…"

Cisco sighed. "Thanks, love. It's okay though." He tried his best to offer her a genuine smile. Cynthia smiled back softly, so it must've at least looked a bit real. "So. Why are you here? Not that I'm complaining! But I wasn't expecting you today."

Cynthia smiled bigger and took both his hands in hers. "I caught the Breachers early today and have got the rest of the day off, so I figured I'd stop by. What do you think about sushi for lunch?"

Cisco let himself be pulled up to his feet and grinned. "It's like you read my mind. Any place in mind?"

"Yup. You'll see." Cynthia opened up a breach and hand in hand they stepped through it, and in the comfort of his girlfriend he felt safe enough to let himself breath again.

 _ **xxx**_

Later that day, after delicious sushi on Earth 6 with his beautiful girlfriend had served as the perfect distraction, Cisco was back at his lab. He had given up on the equation for the day - he'd try again in the morning after he got some sleep - and was tinkering away on Kid Flash's suit. He wanted more tech and upgrades like Barry, so Wally was gonna get them.

Only Cisco's hands weren't stable that afternoon and he kept messing up with the wires. The screwdriver had already fallen out of his hands numerous times, and he was close to getting himself electrocuted. It took him at least twice as long as it would've taken him on a good day, but in the end Cisco managed to install the defibrillator and the camera in the suit. He was about to put the emblem back in when his hands started trembling again. The emblem fell out of his hands and onto the hard concrete floor. Cisco cursed loudly and tried to pick it up. Once, twice, but it was only the third time his fingers didn't let the emblem slip away. He needed both hands to put the emblem in, a job he usually could do with just one hand without issues. Still, Cisco sighed content as he saw the suit on the mannequin. He took a few deep breaths and reached for his chair, sitting down on it and resting his head in his arms on the desk and tried to calm down and even his breathing. He hoped his hands would stop trembling soon. He laid there for a few minutes when he heard a knock.

"Yeah?" he asked, not bothering to look up.

"I didn't want to interrupt," Caitlin's voice sounded. "But you kinda look bad and I just wanted to check in."

"Uhu," Cisco mumbled in acknowledgment.

Caitlin stayed quiet for a few moments, clearly waiting to see if Cisco was gonna say anything else. When it became apparent that that wasn't gonna be the case, she spoke up. "So. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Cisco responded monotonously.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." Cisco still kept his forehead pressed against his arms, hiding his face from her. His voice might not betray him, but his face would in a heartbeat.

"It's just that your leg is shaking."

Cisco tried to focus on his legs, and could feel his right leg trembling vigorously. Probably his body compensating how that his hands had stopped shaking. He cursed under his breath and pressed the heel or his foot with excessive force against the floor. He took a deep breath, and then another, and repeated: "I'm fine." He still refused to look up, though.

Caitlin walked closer, Cisco could hear the clicking of her heals against the concrete floor. A chair scraped and he knew she was sitting now next to him. "I know you're lying Cisco. What's going on?"

Cisco shrugged, took another deep breath and sat back up. He looked her in the eyes when he responded. "Just a bad day, I guess."

Caitlin nodded, partially in understanding, and probably partially because she was trying to figure out if he's telling the truth. "It just seems to happen more often lately."

Cisco shrugged. He knew he could act all confident at the police office and out in the field when they were trying to catch metas. He also knew it was an act. A mask he wore together when he wore his glasses, or his CCPD scientific consultant badge. It was another thing he was hiding behind. Cisco just wasn't sure if Caitlin realized this, considering she'd been gone for six months. He wasn't sure just how well she still knew him.

"I'm fine," he repeated.

"You're not," Caitlin argued. "Let's be real, none of us are. Not really."

"I thought you were a physician," Cisco muttered, crossing his arms. "Not a therapist."

"Are you still going to yours?"

"Are you still going to _yours_?" Cisco snapped back. He had started seeing a therapist after it had become clear Barry had been the reason why his brother had died in this timeline. Somewhat. He couldn't tell this in detail with the psychologist, but therapy had helped. He hadn't gone in a while, though. Savitar kept getting in the way, and then Barry was stuck in the speed-force and while constantly saving the city had been difficult, between that, trying to figure out a way to get Barry back, and progressing in his relationship with Cynthia, he had been okay.

But now Barry was back, and he had him and Caitlin to work with again so he had less things to worry about, less tasks to multitask and juggle. And Cynthia had been off a lot lately hunting down more advanced Breachers. Today had been the first time he'd seen her in a week and a half and the distance was draining him. He had more time on his hands than he'd had in a while and his mind decided to start rambling again. Maybe he should pick up therapy again.

"I am," Caitlin responded, which took Cisco by surprise. He didn't even know she was seeing a therapist. "And I think you should go back to yours."

Sometimes, just sometimes, Cisco hated being such an open book. Or that Caitlin knew him well enough to practically be able to read his mind. He'd settle for either at this point. "I'm fine, Cait. It's a lot right now, my mind keeps going in overdrive. But I'll handle it."

Caitlin nodded, though she didn't look convinced. Cisco hadn't even been able to convince himself, so he wasn't surprised. Still, they both got up and when she held her arms open for a hug, Cisco held her tight. "Thanks," he said. She nodded and walked back out of the lab, probably to the cortex.

Cisco sighed, looked at his watch, and decided that he was going to crawl into bed early tonight.

 **xxx**

Cisco was not okay, his mind didn't shut up, and he was failing at going to bed early. He'd been tossing and turning for hours now, and every time he started feeling at ease his brain threw some new dilemma at him that he hadn't dealt with yet. If it wasn't the samurai or the new metas, it was the distance between Cynthia and him, or how Caitlin still seemed emotionally guarded and still hadn't told them how she had gotten her Killer Frost side under control, or what Amunet Black's deal was. And Wally had been sulking over Jesse, and Cisco seriously meant to talk to Harry about this because after giving that damned cube he hadn't said much about it but Cisco knew that Jesse liked Wally so he really wanted to know what was going on and maybe he should just hop over to Earth 2 and chat with the young female speedster for a while. Make sure the new team wasn't messing up his suit. And Barry and Iris still had unresolved issues and he seriously hoped that Iris wasn't blaming him, since Cisco really had only meant to do good with bringing Barry back. But at least now Iris was dealing with her emotions.

Cisco rolled over again and started thinking about how they brought Barry back and the twelve new metas. Maybe he should've asked Harry to check the math again. Or they just should've handled the samurai themselves and never gotten Barry out of the speed-force. Gotten closure. Come to think off, maybe Cisco should've never joined STAR labs in the first place, or stuck around, just left for National City and started anew. Maybe then he wouldn't have to deal with all this crap.

Cisco rolled onto his stomach and buried his face into his pillow. He wanted this train of thoughts to stop. He needed to calm down. He couldn't change the past, so he shouldn't focus on it, stop thinking about it all together. Start focusing on the future, on the things he _could_ still change.

He still had to figure out that equation and the calculations Harry had given him. He should talk with Caitlin, figure out how she got her powers under control, and could she still access them or not at all? And after the screw up with one-one-one-day, he really had to make his next date with Cynthia count. Maybe he should ask Joe for advice, but he had been so busy with Cecile moving in with him, he didn't want to annoy them. And Barry and Iris still were working things through so asking them for advice might be a stretch. He also should make things up with Iris, he felt like she was still mad at him. He didn't know for sure if Cynthia was truly happy with him, he had to make clear just how much he loved her. After meeting her father he didn't dare to go visit Earth 19 anymore though. Maybe he should plan a visit with her elsewhere. Maybe Canada. Or they should go to Earth 2 and visit Atlantis, apparently it's beautiful, even though some of their equipment and technology sucked. Or they could go check out that amusement park city on Earth 6. He thought Cynthia would like it.

All of a sudden the room was filled with a blue glow, Cisco could even see it through his pillow. He felt Cynthia climb onto the bed and she placed a hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles. Cisco tried to even his breathing, to try and pretend he was going better than he was. It wasn't working well, though. He started hiccupping through the tears, trying to catch his breath.

She noticed. "Hey, shhh, it's okay," Cynthia whispered. "It's okay. Let it all out. It's fine." She kept mumbling soothing words and rubbing his back. He tried focusing on his breather and her hand on his back. After a while, when Cisco's breathing had slowed down again, Cynthia got off the bed. Cisco could her the rustling of her clothes and a few moments later she joined him underneath the covers. She had taking off her leather jacket and pants, switched it for one of Cisco's STAR labs hoodies. She immediately wrapped her arm back around him and started rubbing circles again.

After a while, when Cisco had figured that any dignity he still had before, had left the building at this point, he turned towards her and hugged her close. Cynthia rearranged their positions so she was lying on her back, Cisco on his side with his head tucked over her shoulder. She was still holding him tight.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" she asked softly, a few minutes later.

Cisco shook his head. "No. Not really." Cynthia didn't say anything, but he could feel her hesitation. "At least not right now," he added.

Cynthia nodded. "Okay," she whispered. "Then let's go to sleep now."

Cisco nodded and stayed close to Cynthia. It took a while, but in the end his breathing evened and he dosed off.

 **xxx**

Cisco woke up the next morning, and he felt warm. He had slept better this past night than he had in a long time. He felt warm, safe, and calm. He had woken naturally, not by an alarm that made his heart jump, and the sun was getting up, it wasn't still dark and crazy early in the morning. His room was warm, and the covers were tucked safely around him.

He allowed himself to linger in this feeling for a while longer before opening his eyes. He turned, but was greeted with an empty bed, not with Cynthia by his side like he had expected. He frowned and sat up. He saw that his hoodie was missing, and Cynthia's clothes from yesterday were still on the floor. She must've gotten up a while ago.

Cisco sighed and got out of bed. He had wanted to stay longer, but he had wanted to do so with his girlfriend, not alone. He grabbed two pairs of warm fuzzy socks and walked to the kitchen. Cynthia was cooking, wearing Cisco's hoodie as expected, and a pair of his boxers. She had two steaming cups of coffee out on the table, and a new pot was brewing. She probably had two cups already. Cisco wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek.

"Why, good morning, Gypsy darling," he said playfully as he pulled her closer. "What are you making?"

Cynthia smiled wide and her eyes squinted a bit. "Bacon and eggs," she replied. "Because apparently that's the only thing I _can_ make."

Cisco rolled his eyes and waited for her to turn around for a decent morning kiss. "I'm just a better cook, you'll have to deal with that fact sometime, dear."

She shook her head, but flipped the bacon while Cisco grabbed two plates to pile the eggs on. Cynthia put the plates on the table and grabbed utensils while Cisco turned on the radio for some background noise. They sat down and both first pulled on the socks Cisco had brought. He didn't understand how she could stand the cold tile floor.

They started eating without talking much, but when Cisco began playing with his coffee mug, turning it around and around and around to see how far he could make the liquid go towards the edge without it dripping on the table, Cynthia piped up. "Are we gonna talk about last night?"

Cisco kept his eyes on the coffee mug. "I'd rather not."

"Cisco. You weren't okay. You were hyperventilating. I know you haven't been… your best self, lately," Cisco looked up with wide eyes and Cynthia barged on before he could interrupt. "Oh don't even bother denying it, I could feel how nervous you were all week." Cisco bashfully looked back down to his cup. "I just didn't it was this bad."

Cisco took a deep breath and let it out. Then again. "It's been this bad for a while now."

"How long is a while?" Cynthia reached out and stopped his hands from fidgeting with the cup, taking his hands into hers instead.

Cisco shrugged. "Depends on what you define as bad."

She pinched his hand. "I know you were in therapy before, you told me. And… I think maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to start going again?"

Cisco nodded. "I know. It's just difficult to explain, you know, because so much of it is because of the metas. And besides -" Cisco cut himself off. Cynthia didn't know yet and there was no reason why he should tell her. They've been together for what, six months? They were doing inter-dimensional long distance, and yeah they could just hop between earths, but that didn't make it less difficult. She didn't need to know just how badly damaged he was.

"What?" Cynthia asked. Cisco shook his head, but he should've known she wouldn't let go of this. There's a reason why she's the best at her job. "Franscisco Ramon, you tell me what it is!"

Cisco shook his head. If he had more guts, he'd mouth back at her using her full name. But after last night's sob-fest, he was too emotionally drained. Besides, he preferred his head attached to the rest of his body. And it's not like she didn't know loss in her life. "After my brother died, it got bad for me. Group didn't help enough, and neither did therapy. So after talking to the therapist - she couldn't prescribe herself, she doesn't have psychiatric license or something, only psychotherapy, I don't know - and getting an all clear from her, Caitlin started prescribing me anti-depressants."

Cynthia blinked and let that process. Cisco looked up, saw her thinking, and looked back down at their joined hands. "Did it help?" she asked after a while, rubbing her thumb over the palm of his hand. It was calming.

Cisco nodded. "It did. A lot. And then shit hit the fan, and I quit therapy because I just didn't have the time, you know. But Caitlin still prescribed the drugs so I was okay for most part. Too pre-occupied to be worried. But then…"

Cynthia gave him a wry smile. "Then Killer Frost happened."

Cisco nodded. "After H.R.'s funeral, after she said goodbye, I got a letter in the mail from her. Well, not a letter, an envelope with prescriptions in. Enough to last me five months."

Cynthia started to understand. "And this was six months ago."

Cisco nodded, ashamed. Intellectually, he know stopping cold-turkey with anti-depressants was a go-to way to end up deeper in that downwards spiral. He also knew that he should just have found another doctor to fill the prescription. Explain how his previous physician moved away. Or he could just hop over to Star City and say he moved. What did they know, STAR labs was still paying his insurance and they had facilities over there before. It could be true.

But instead, he had been in a good place. Sure, Wally and him had been getting their asses handed to them, but they were working, and no villains had threatened to destroy the city. Things with Gypsy had been going well, the work at the police force was nice. So he had figured that he could handle stopping the medication. He had taken half his dosage for two weeks, and stopped when he had run out of pills.

Cisco regretted that decision so badly right now.

Cynthia sighed and shook her head. She got up, pulled at Cisco's hands until he got up as well, and she kissed him tenderly all over his face before hugging him tight. "You should talk to Caitlin," she said.

Cisco just nodded. He knew he had to. Didn't mean he wanted to.

It didn't matter much, because in that exact moment, he felt so loved and safe, he feel like he was allowed to break down. And that on its own made him feel, for the first time in a while, that he wasn't going to do just that.

 **xxx**

The day continued, though. Apparently Cynthia had texted Iris to let her know that Cisco was gonna come in late, so when he walked through the door at lunchtime holding three Big Belly Burger meals in his arms, Iris and Caitlin didn't look to surprised and mostly happy at the prospect of hot food. They ate and worked a bunch, looking for DeVoe, figuring out how much Barry's powers had improved, and so on. The day went by smoothly.

It wasn't until Iris and Barry had left the building and Cisco was cleaning up in his lab that he got a moment alone with Caitlin.

"Gypsy texted me," Caitlin said from the door of the lab.

And even though Cisco had been thinking about talking to Caitlin a lot that afternoon, Cynthia really must truly know him because he hadn't been planning on talking to Caitlin just yet. Not while she had only _just_ returned to them. Cisco didn't respond to Caitlin's bait, though.

"Why didn't you come looking for me sooner if you didn't want to ask anyone else for the prescription?"

Cisco closed his eyes and let his head fall in his neck. Caitlin sounded hurt. He couldn't _really_ hear it, not on the surface, but Cisco knew her well enough to know that she was hurt. That he could've thought that she wouldn't want to help him. She always wanted to help people, that was Caitlin's purest thrive in life.

"Because I was ashamed that I still needed them," he admitted. "Life was going well. I mean," he started explaining at her confused look, and he indicated that she should sit on one of the chairs, and he did the same. "Things sucked. Barry stuck in the speed-force, you were gone, we were barely catching bad guys. But. The team was functioning, we were moving forwards. Things with Gypsy were going fantastic. Iris and I got along well. Things were okay." He looked Caitlin in the eye. "I was happy. So I thought I could handle it."

Caitlin gave him a wry smile. "You could've come to me. I know I said I wanted space. But for this... You know I'll always cave if I can help you or anyone here."

Cisco nodded. "I know." He shrugged. "I was lying to myself so badly that I started believing it. And it backfired."

Caitlin nodded. "I've been there, too," she admitted. Cisco frowned and she continued. "After Zoom." She took a deep breath and continued. "After Jay died, but before we knew he was Zoom. I had only started recovering from losing Ronnie and I fell deep. And I didn't have time to process it because then Zoom kidnapped me. And then my powers started showing up. And I shut down."

Cisco nodded. He knew she'd had it tough. He didn't know what to say, though, so they both just sat there, knees almost touching, in the physics lab in STAR labs.

Caitlin broke the silence first. "Anyways. Gypsy sounded worried. And I know she's grieved as well - I guess you know more details than I do, but she said that much to me, and she was worried. So."

Caitlin handed him a few papers. Cisco recognized them as prescriptions. A lot of them. "These should last you a year and a half at least. And you can _always_ come to me for this, okay?"

Cisco nodded, unsure what to say, but het got up and puller her close. "Thank you," he whispered.

"Anytime," she responded. She let him go, wished him goodnight, and grabbed her purse and coat from the floor next to the door and left the building.

Cisco took a look around the lab, his eyes landing on the prescriptions still in his hands. He shook his head, put the prescription in his wallet, and went to the cortex to grab his stuff to leave.

 **xxx**

The drive home was short, even with the quick stop by the pharmacy to get his prescriptions filled. He immediately got the two prescriptions that Caitlin had put a date on (the others she had left blank so he could fill them in himself) and then drove home. As soon as he entered the apartment he vibed Cynthia, and she appeared a few seconds later. "Hi," she said.

Cisco just pulled her close and kisser her. "Thank you," he whispered into her hair.

Cynthia laughed. "For ratting you out to Caitlin?" she asked.

He nodded. "I needed that. And thanks for understanding, too." He shrugged, looking at his feet, but still holding onto Cynthia's arms. "I know this isn't what you signed up for, so."

She shook her head. "I know loss and pain, Cisco. I've told you this. I know what it's like. And I still have dark days, too. They're just lighter when you're in them, and I'm going to make your days lighter as well."

Cisco pressed his forehead against hers, grinning. "You are such a sap. You may hide it well, and you can be embarrassed by it, but you are _such_ a sap."

"Coming from Mr. Big Romantic Gestures? I can take that."

Cisco laughed and started tickling her. She swatted his hands away and ran off to the bedroom, and Cisco quickly caught up, hugging her close from behind, locking his arms around her waist. They both were laughing. "I love you," he said.

Cynthia kept rocking from one side to the other while staying close in his arms. "And I love you," she responded.

And in that moment, not only did Cisco believe her, but he could feel it. He could feel the love vibrating between them.

That's how he knew that, in the end, everything was gonna be alright.


End file.
